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« The Best New Year’s Resolutions | Main | The Point Radio: Spiritual Fitness »

December 31, 2008

It wouldn’t be the New Year

. . . without Dave Barry's annual roundup. Enjoy, and have a happy New Year!

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Rolley Haggard

While Dave Barry rehearses the weightier concerns faced by mankind in 2008, Rolley recounts the events that overcame his inattention last week:

Dorcas and Nimrod

Dorcas: Hey, look at that sign!
Nimrod: What sign?
Dorcas: Over there, Solomon, on the left side of the road.
Nimrod: The left side?
Dorcas: Right.
Nimrod: I thought you said “left.”
Dorcas: Don’t start that.
Nimrod: There’s no sign on the right side of the road.
Dorcas: Who said there was?
Nimrod: You!
Dorcas: I never did and you know it.
Nimrod: You most certainly did.
Dorcas: Did not. I said, the left side of the road.
Nimrod: There’s nothing on the left side of the road.
Dorcas: Not now. We’ve passed it.
Nimrod: Passed what?
Dorcas: The sign.
Nimrod: What sign?
Dorcas: The sign I was trying to get you to look at.
Nimrod: What did it say?
Dorcas: Turn around.
Nimrod: What?
Dorcas: Turn the car around. You need to see it.
Nimrod: Turn the - this is crazy. I don’t know why I listen to you. (Turns the car around). Yep. Just like I said. Your sign is on the right side of the road.
Dorcas: You’re impossible.
Nimrod: I’m impossible? You can’t communicate.
Dorcas: I can’t communicate?
Nimrod: Agreed. Now what’s with your sign?
Dorcas: Well, look at it. What does it say?
Nimrod: “Fred’s Pawn Shop is a Proud Supporter of the Centerville Braves”. So?
Dorcas: Read it again.
Nimrod: “Fred’s Pawn Shop is a Proud Supporter of the Centerville Braves.”
Dorcas: You didn’t read it. You weren’t even looking at it.
Nimrod: I memorized it.
Dorcas: Read it.
Nimrod: “Fred’s Pawn Shop is a Proud Supporter of the Centerville Braves.”
Dorcas: Uh-uh-uh. Read the last word.
Nimrod: The last word?
Dorcas: Yeah the last word.
Nimrod: “Braves”?
Dorcas: Nope. That’s not what it says.
Nimrod: Not what it says? It says “Centerville Braves!” What are you talking about?
Dorcas: Spell ‘Braves’.
Nimrod: B-R-A-V-E-S.
Dorcas: No, I mean spell it like it’s spelled on the sign.
Nimrod: B-A-R-V-E-S.
Dorcas: See what I mean?
Nimrod: They misspelled ‘Braves.’ Is that it? Is that what you had me turn around to see?
Dorcas: Well, yeah.
Nimrod: Big diddly whoop.
Dorcas: It is a big whoop.
Nimrod: You’re a big whoop. What’s so big whoop about misspelling ‘Braves’?
Dorcas: It’s what it does spell.
Nimrod: It doesn’t spell anything.
Dorcas: Yes it does. Sound it out phonetically.
Nimrod: I don’t know how. I look at it and I see “Braves”.
Dorcas: You would.
Nimrod: And so would anyone else – who’s normal.
Dorcas: (Writing on a piece of paper). Here, what does this spell?
Nimrod: (Looking at it). ‘Scarves’.
Dorcas: Right. Now look again at the sign. What does ‘B-A-R-V-E-S’ spell?
Nimrod: Barves.
Dorcas: Right!
Nimrod: What are ‘barves’?
Dorcas: What is ‘scarves’ the plural of?
Nimrod: Huh?
Dorcas: What is ‘scarves’ the plural of?
Nimrod: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dorcas: ‘Scarves’! It’s the plural of ‘scarf’!
Nimrod: So?
Dorcas: Well, then, what is ‘barves’ the plural of?
Nimrod: How would I know?
Dorcas: Look, if ‘scarves’ is the plural of ‘scarf’, then ‘barves’ is the plural of – what?
Nimrod: Barf.
Dorcas: Exactly!
Nimrod: Scarf, scarves, barf, barves. What difference does it make?
Dorcas: How would you like your team to be called ‘the Barves’.
Nimrod: I don’t have a team.
Dorcas: But if you did, how would you like it to be called ‘the Barves’?
Nimrod: Nobody would call it that.
Dorcas: Well, Fred’s Pawn Shop did.
Nimrod: No, Fred’s Pawn Shop didn’t.
Dorcas: You saw it!
Nimrod: That wasn’t Fred’s Pawn Shop. That was the sign painter.
Dorcas: Still, the damage is done.
Nimrod: Could’ve been worse.
Dorcas: Sure, anything could be worse, but still. ‘The Centerville Barves.’ That’s pretty bad.
Nimrod: I’d love to see their mascot. Hehe.
Dorcas: You’re gross.
Nimrod: I’m gross?
Dorcas: Agreed. Anyway, thanks for turning around.
Nimrod: Your wish is my command.
Dorcas: I wish.
Nimrod: You wish what?
Dorcas: I wish – oh never mind. Let’s change the subject.
Nimrod: Sounds good to me.
Dorcas: Did I tell you I begin my golf tournament next Tuesday?
Nimrod: I believe you did.
Dorcas: I can hardly wait.
Nimrod: Me too. It’ll be good to get you out of the house.
Dorcas: What do you mean by that?
Nimrod: I mean, uh, it’ll be good for your health for you to be out of the house. You know, outdoors.
Dorcas: Hmm. Yeah. You have a way with words.
Nimrod: I have a way with words? I have a way with words? Do you ever listen to yourself?
Dorcas: What do you mean by that?
Nimrod: I mean, I mean. Oh never mind.
Dorcas: I don’t think you know what you mean.
Nimrod: Scarves and Barves!
Dorcas: What did you say?
Nimrod: Nothin.
Dorcas: Well, if you say so.
Nimrod: I do.
Dorcas: Anyway, I begin my golf tournament next Tuesday.
Nimrod: You said that.
Dorcas: And my caddy’s Mike Addy.
Nimrod: (rolling eyes) Yeah, and a spade is a spade.

* * *

Happy New Year, every Buddy!

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