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November 25, 2008

When Care Bears Attack!

Artpandas I'm a bad person. No, make that a terrible person. Really. I insist.

Why? I find the following story hilarious:

BEIJING (AP) -- A college student in southern China was bitten by a panda after he broke into the bear's enclosure hoping to get a hug, state media and a park employee said Saturday . . .

"Yang Yang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him. I didn't expect he would attack," the 20-year-old student, surnamed Liu, said in a local hospital, according to the official Xinhua News Agency . . .

Last year, a panda at the Beijing Zoo attacked a teenager, ripping chunks out of his legs, when he jumped a barrier while the bear was being fed.

The same panda was in the news in 2006 when he bit a drunk tourist who broke into his enclosure and tried to hug him while he was asleep. The tourist retaliated by biting the bear in the back.

What part of "bear" don't these people understand? Pandas may be stupid unfit creatures well-deserving of extinction, but they are still bears (albeit really inept bears) with teeth and claws to match. They bite and they don't give hugs.

Hugs? What kind of dipstick expects hugs from a wild animal? If you insist on getting emotional validation from wild animals, here are some suggestions:

  • Go up to a tiger, say, in the Sundarbans, and ask it to bounce on its tail for you. Tell it that watching its cousin Tigger made you feel all sorts of warm inside. You will likely feel all sorts of warm on the outside shortly thereafter. Then things will go cold.
  • The next time you need engineering advice, ask a coyote. They're really smart and they seem to have a substantial line of credit with ACME.
  • On your next visit to a national park, pack a picnic basket for a bear. Make sure the bear can smell it. Then pick up its cub and call it "Boo Boo." Make sure momma bear sees you.

(Image © AFP/Getty Images via CNN)

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Well, yeah, Roberto - you actually are a bad person. So am I. And as I told Regis, I think it's *because* we're bad people that Yang Yang bit Liu. Bears *should* give hugs. Tigers *should* rub up against you like a housecat.

And Wile E. Coyote *should* be vegetarian.

But they're not, and thanks to our ancestors Adam and Eve - and us following in their footsteps - that's they way it's going to be for now.

But one day...


Yet another reason not to wear "Eau de Bamboo" ;-)

anne morse

Roberto: It took me at least five minutes to stop laughing so that I could write this: Yes, you really ARE a terrible person!

Happy Thanksgiving.


You're turning blue from laughter, Roberto; breathe, my friend, BREATHE!


No word on what the toy was. I wonder if it was a stuffed...

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